I am not holding anything together. Breathe.
My life is holy and created by God, but I also subscribe to the reality that "God's will" is bigger than my decisions, trust, or lack thereof. Left to my own devices, I am ruined. I do ruin. I suppose this could lead to a sort of depressing outlook on life, but not for me. Instead, I find relief, freedom, and rest.
Rest.
I want to obey even though I tend to have more questions than answers. So much of my upbringing was rooted in always having the right answer, always doing the right thing. Always right. I have found that the "not knowing" actually sets me free from having to defend God. God is bigger than my defense anyway. God can handle God. I only know what I have walked through. That God is enough and that God is bigger than my biggest dilemma.
"I don't need silver linings; I don't need so much more. I just need room to be wrong sometimes; that's all I'm hoping for."
Ashley and I packed all we had and moved to the eight-year-in-the-making promise land. We obeyed. When God says, “Go,” it’s best to go. We left not only a strong community but the only community we had ever known together, even more so for my eldest daughter, Alana. She will ask from time to time why we had to leave Florida, when can we return. It breaks me. My heart is already broken in a way; having to answer for its brokenness reopens the soft tissue.
Leaving home is hard, even if it is for the promised land.
I wouldn’t mention God in these chats because I didn’t want her to be angry at God. (Yes, we’re talking about a four-year-old, but childhood wounds are real!) Recently, however, I brought God into my answer for the first time. I want this to be a pattern in her life: open conversation, honesty, trusting God. God is enough for her too. I'm not confused about God's prompting us to move to Nashville. It's my one resolve. But as I move through my time here, various frustrations and doubts emerge; God is big enough for them.
Freedom.
God is big enough for you today. For your doubts and struggles, and circumstances, God is big enough to hold you and them. I recommend obeying God, whatever that looks like for you. Just remember God is bigger than your obedience. God’s plan will prevail. Trust this truth.
- L