I Feel like a Fraud
I Feel like a Fraud (And Other Insecurities We Probably Share)
I’ll never forget sitting in a chapel service my Junior year of college when the Campus Pastor said, “Allow me to let you in on a little secret: you’re not the only one who is insecure, everyone is.” Whether or not this statement was true, I chose to believe it and found it to be remarkably freeing. In the words of Forky from Toy Story 4, “[Everyone] is just like me: trash!”
Lying awake at 2 AM in my bed, I had the crazy idea to list some of my insecurities to the world-wide-web. My thinking went something like this: if I speak my insecurities (fears), they will no longer have any power over me. So here we are. Maybe you will relate with one of all of them. Hopefully, and at best, this will serve as an anthem against loneliness. You are not alone in your insecurities! At worst, this will manage to be the several ways Louis is weirder than we all originally thought. Yay, here we go!
I feel like a fraud. I’ve always had an issue with saying positive affirmations to myself in the mirror because more often than not I didn’t believe what I was saying. Why lie to myself? Whether it be my looks, intelligence, kindness, or humor, why encourage myself in something I’m not completely sure is true. People say these nice things, but what if they’re wrong? See where the “fraud” complex comes in? So what do I do to silence this insecurity/fear? Embrace it. I have recently found that I have one job (okay I have several jobs, but the most important job): to abide in Christ. Christ’s kind eyes don’t point out my attractiveness, or talents, or over-all likability. Christ wants to know if I am completely leaning on Him. When I feel most like a fraud is when I am least focused on Christ.
I need to be liked. Maybe this isn’t an insecurity, but this surely can’t be healthy. In my relationship circles, whether acquaintances or close friends, I forever have the desire to be fully understood and in turn, liked. Surely my charm and whit will win them over, I think to myself. The problem is sometimes my charm and whit don’t win them over. In fact, there are plenty of times I am not liked because of my charm and whit (shocker). This may or may not lead me down a dark path of sadness and then anger, and then sadness again, all of which comes from feeling completely misunderstood and desperately wanting to explain myself. It is here that I’m learning to let go. I read a delightful quote that speaks to this, “sometimes to take care of yourself, you have to be misunderstood. Not every acquaintance needs to fully understand the complex motivation behind your life choices.” (Deep breath) Yes.
I feel like a failure. This is less about my life in its entirety, and more about my creative ventures. I’ve always loved the arts. Whether I was 3 years old singing my heart out to made-up melodies in my Mickey Mouse adorned bed, or painting my emotions onto a canvas at 28 years old, art has always played a central role in my life. In my deep love for art, however, there lies a monster that whispers about how much I have failed as an artist. My creations are subpar and at 29 years old I should be much farther along. Auh, what a wonderful lie. The sad thing is I believe this monster all too often. What is the remedy, you ask? I keep creating and make so much noise, so I can’t hear the monster. As far as art goes, I’m all over the place. I take pictures, I make short films, I paint, I write music, I play the piano, I sing, I blog, I podcast, I’m clearly too much, and that’s exactly how I like it. I will continue to sing, and create, and paint, and dream, and play. In my doing, the monster stays muted. Maybe one day the monster will completely evaporate, but in the meantime, I create loudly.
I hope some of these things resonated with your soul. While I tired to give my two-second remedy for each of these insecurities/fears, just remember: you are not alone. Don’t let you’re insecurities define you, we all have them, some of us just listen to them more than others.