The Hardship of Friendship
Growing up, I did not have many friends. Not because I wasn’t friendly, but because, for some reason, people didn’t want to stick around. This post could turn into a therapy session very quickly, so long story short, I met some humans who claimed me in middle and high school. These were people I wasn’t “too much” for and who I could count on to be there for me. Of course, we’re not all that lucky in grade school, and it certainly wasn’t a plethora of people, but what it was, however, was true friendship.
As the years passed and people moved on (physically and emotionally), adult life began. My grade-school friends became terrific memories. Unfortunately, what little grasp I had on making and keeping grade-school relationships would not help me as I attempted (and still am attempting) adult friendships. Recently (after some fun rejections), I had a concept pop in my head: the hardship of friendship. Let’s break this down.
Firstly, I have to blame the rich Judeo-Christianity tradition that rules this land (we’ll be talking exclusively about the US). What does religion have to do with anything? Well, because of Judeo-Christianity’s societal norms, marriage has become the gold standard to all relationships. I’m not writing a post about marriage, so I won’t begin to argue one way or another. What I will say, however, is that there has been an over-emphasis on marriage leading to the practical death of platonic friendship relationships (though I must admit, new studies are proving this trend to be wrong). Typically, we couple up (as quickly as possible) and claim our person to leave everyone else in our wake—what a sad reality. True friendship allows us to have deep, beautiful connections with more than one person. Why should we surrender this?
I won’t detail the toxic effects “marriage as a gold standard” has had on single people. Regardless, marriage can’t be the tip of the pyramid; it’s too exclusive. God has created us to be in a community with others. Community is where we can serve, be supported, challenged, and transformed into flourishing humans.
A therapist I had once said I placed too high expectations on people. I listened to the observation (or was it a rebuke) and became increasingly aware that I have high standards for my friends. Perhaps it’s relative. My high standards are your low standards? I’m unsure. What I am sure of is that having standards are not the issue. It’s how we respond when our standards aren’t met that becomes the issue, which leads me back to friendship. Friendship is another human choosing to play catch. Bad friendship is throwing the ball, never to have it returned. Can we talk about this? Can we talk about bad friendships?
I’ve realized people are not going to be me to myself (high standards), but we can expect that great friends are the ones who can meet you halfway. They can start the text conversation (or respond in an appropriate amount of time). They can plan the next friend date (or make time for the one you’re planning). When you pass the ball, and they cannot play, they communicate that. Great friendships are intentional. Because (to be frank) caring about people who aren’t in your immediate sightline does not come naturally. For married folks, it’s hard not to have tunnel vision, “I’ve got my love; who else do I need?” For married folks with children, it’s even harder, “How will I have time for anyone else but my own?” Maybe this is why friendship is so important. It requires us to look beyond ourselves, make time for other people not living with us, and be intentional with the time we spend.
Friendships are complex and complicated because humans are complex and complicated. I also think humans are beautiful, surprising, life-giving, and worth every second of my time. Last year, I passed the ball to several people, and they didn’t return the catch. That’s okay. I’ve learned authentic friendship is not for everyone. When the ball is thrown back at me one day, it will be all the sweeter.
-L