To Know Thyself
2020 will be embedded forever in the minds and hearts of generations to come. This year has been unprecedented (to say the least) and not only in the United States but around the world. Going into 2020, I set my usual goals and benchmarks for success, but nothing could prepare me for what God would have me deal with: myself.
Before I get the groans of thousands, how could he be focused on himself at a time like this? Allow me to explain. There is plenty of talk surrounding the idea that the most important thing is to know yourself. I subscribed to this idea and felt like I did know myself rather well. I know what I like and what I do not like, I know my strengths and my weakness, I know what I can bring to the table so far as meaning is concerned. Yet, in the summer of 2020, as I was on my knees crying out to God, it became quickly evident that I did not know myself at all. I understood a lot about myself, but I did not know myself.
On Being
I have a long history of rejection. I will spare you the details, but I can almost laugh out how ridiculous my life is in this area. While I was born into a wonderfully supportive and loving home (two parents, two siblings, a meaningful education, exciting family vacations), the kindness and support felt as though it ended there. Friendships were always hard for me, and I learned to accept that fact it was because of one reason: me.
When you believe a lie long enough, does it become fact?
I grew. I did have friends. I went to college. I met the woman of my dreams (quite literally), and she became my wife before we had graduated. I landed an incredible job, and over three years watch my beautiful wife give birth to our two beautiful daughters. (Please understand the amount of pain, rejection, misunderstanding, and did I mention pain, that I am skipping here). With all those excellent life accomplishments, of course I knew who I was and was full of confidence, right?
Wrong.
Who knew that insecurity is not so overt until, well, it is. I was not created in a vacuum. Who I am today is the culmination of the many people and events that have shaped my life. I do not just exist. I am more than just being, or at least I am called to be more. I am called to live. But how can I fully live if I do not know who I am?
Doing the Work
Between the COVID-19 Pandemic and the racial unrest in our country, I began to have personal tribulations. Various situations started to play out that I was not prepared for, much less expecting at all, for that matter. I will again spare the details, but long story short: I had to confront who I am.
What do I believe? What do I want out of life? What am I called to? What am I not called to? What is the value of other another person's perceptions and opinions of me? Who am I becoming? These questions I had never taken seriously. Now it was time.
Tired of being misunderstood, feeling overlooked, and undervalued, I cried out to God. Angry. Do you see me? Do you hear me?
He responded.
Isaiah 40.
In essence, His response, of course, I do. The real question became, do I see myself?
To know thyself is to love thyself. I am not saying that the love of myself is supreme over all (Jesus speaks against that), but to love thyself is to see myself as Christ sees me. Yes, I am imperfect, and yes, I am deeply loved. I did not love myself, I clung to rejection as a battle wound, and pity parties embraced. My greatest fear, being misunderstood, was becoming all too real. This is not what I had been called to.
It was at the crossroads of apathy and action that I entered into a new understanding of who I am. I knew Whose I was for a long time, but as Christ has been growing me, I am uncovering that is not enough. Yes, I am beloved by Christ, but I should also be kind to myself. After all, is this not what Christ wants? He called me to do the work. To set out to accept me for who I am. Have I been rejected? Yes. Does that define who I am? It does not have to. Have I been misunderstood and judged from a distance? Absolutely. Does the opinion of those who do not want to understand me truly matter in the long run? I do not think so. Christ offered Himself up as a ransom for many. He knew Who He was.
What Happens Now?
And now, I am uncovering what makes me so beautiful in the eyes of God. I am beginning to see what God sees. I am flawed and redeemed and healed and broken. I am funny and straightforward and talk too much (work in progress). I question a lot (maybe too much), I am critical (yet usually present solutions), and set high standards for myself and others. I am full of grace and want to learn and want to listen and want to fight for the things that bring a smile to the face of God. I am more than the things I do. I am forgiven of much. I am loved. Now, for the first time in 29 years, I can say I love myself. I am confident in the call God has on my life, and I will not apologize for it.
I can see all the contradictions above; I can see my flaws. I can see my valor. I also can see the room for growth and the strength (and mercy of God) that it has taken to get me where I am today. From here on out, I can only be kind to myself and encourage others to do the same to themselves. We are all trying our best.
Finally, I am found. I do not know what else 2020 has in store for me (or the world), but this I know: I am found in the arms of Love. I am held fast. No one has loved me as much as Jesus, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
-L